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Talk:Jeff the Killer 2015/@comment-25262576-20170817041628
I personally think this is a spectacular job at refurbishing a generally crap story, and while the end result was honestly a pretty okay story which isn't all that scary (and as such not really fit to be called a "Creepypasta"), it's also only a few marks shy of the best possible form this story could take. No matter how much you polish a turd, it's still gonna be a turd, but damn if this wasn't a very shiny one. Every change is there for a reason and makes the story more believable. I was going to list the ample ways this story improved on the original and just how good these improvements are, but then my comment might end up being longer than the story itself! A few points I'd have changed though; for one thing, you could've had Randy cock the flare gun while trying to intimidate Jeff, since him accidentally cocking it is a bit clunky and comes off as forcing the plot along. In addition, Jeff's killing of his parents seems very much like a crime of passion, which is believable, but would not likely result in him becoming a serial killer. I would've changed it so that he was so drunk on the feeling described multiple times throughout the story that he ends up killing Liu as well to feed the feeling, only to have it fade shortly thereafter and have the realization of what he did cause his break to psychosis, perhaps leading to a belief that if Liu wasn't good enough to live then neither was anyone else, which also strongly ties all future killings to Liu's and gives the "go to sleep" catchphrase a bit more of a background (perhaps with a closing line like "So now I'll make everyone go to sleep, just like him" or something to that effect). Also, proofreading is a must for having your story taken seriously, but I'm only making a minor note of that because it is not a must for writing a good story. Finally, I know I said I wouldn't list improvements but there's one that bears special mention: the fact that you didn't try to force Jeff to look like the original picture. In fact, your Jeff would look extremely different -- and more importantly, would be realistically disfigured by the events that transpired (even if it does come off a little Two-Face-ish). This is so many leagues better than the idiotic "thing" of bleach and fire hair dye from the original. And one last note to everyone criticizing this story for being boring: What do you define as an entertaining story? While this may fail as a creepypasta in that it isn't scary, it intricately and realistically portrays human relationships and personalities in a way that is all too uncommon in Creepypastas. If you're looking for mindless action, I recommend you read the original, wherein a fourteen-year-old gains all the skills of Bruce Lee through the power of murderous tendencies. If you're looking for engaging character writing and realistic portrayal of scenarios, I recommend you scroll up. As a story in its own right, 7/10 As a creepypasta, 2/10 (but hey that's not really your fault since the entire premise is pretty meek, and it's no less scary than the original) As an attempt at salvage the steaming pile of garbage that is the original Jeff the Killer: 11/10. Seriously, while there are certainly areas that can be improved upon, even in light of the source material, this was also leaps and bounds better than I ever expected a reboot of that god awful story to be prior to actually having read it.